Steve the Lifeguard
by Bobby South
Summary: The tragedy of Steve the Lifeguard and his difficult choices.
1. Act One

Steve made his way to the attic of the Smith household to attend Dr. Richards's office. He sat down and out came the psychiatrist.

"Hello," greeted the psychiatrist. "What's your name?"

"Come on, Roger!" yelled Steve. "Quit messing! I'm not in the mood!"

Roger slapped him in the face. "Well!" he yelled. "Looks like you have a lot of problems. Where shall we begin?"

"Well..." Steve began.

* * *

_It all began four weeks ago, when Dad came back home from work with bad news._

_"I have some bad news, everyone!" he shouted. "I'm suspended!"_

_"Oh, Stan, why?" asked Mom._

_"I was feeling warm so I put myself next to the fan and I spread my legs out. Then this stupid idiot comes by, falls on my leg and spills the dirty water onto the fan! Then Bullock blames and suspends me for two months!" Dad drank a glass of water. "Then I came back home to see my family."_

_But the others and I were looking upset at him._

_"It _was_ your fault!" yelled Mom._

_"Yeah, talk about health and safety," added my sister Hayley._

_"Now, we've got to get jobs! Every one of us!" yelled Mom._

_"Wait a minute, Mom," said Hayley. "Roger's got a job!"_

_Yeah, that's right! Roger said he was a janitor at the Langley Falls Radio Station. But Roger couldn't lend us a cent because he said, "I got plenty of I-Tunes bills to pay."_

_Klaus, our talking pet goldfish, pointed out, "I have plenty of money. I have about a hundred thousand..." We all looked hopeful, but – "...Euros. German Euros! I'm an immigrant, what did you expect?"_

* * *

_And so our job search began. It was a success for Mom, as she got into baking business, making bread and selling them for Aunt Francine's stall in the mall. _

_My s__ister Hayley was also a success, getting to work on a bee farm, collecting honey and making sure the bee race doesn't die!_

_Roger was still a janitor, but Klaus was making more money than him because he was making fish porn movies__ on the internet!_

_And at every dinner, for the last five days, instead of supporting me for searching for a job, the best "advice" they could give me was "becoming a stripper" or appear in one of Klaus's porn movies._

_And I had enough of that! After seven hard days looking hard for work, I gave up. So I went to Langley Falls Beach and took a rest. I was alone, but the sandy beach wasn't. It was packed with all the coolest students at Pearl Bailey High School! Everyone was crowding around to see the Madonna of the whole school, Lisa Sliver! She, who was tanning well and wearing a rainbow bikini, was dating a new boyfriend – Jim Kelly, the school's best swimmer and Lisa declared him, "Smart and strong as he swims!"_

_And he came from a rich family and he brought one of his horses with him. _

_"Now, let's see if my sexy bitch can ride this magnificent beast!" announced Jim._

_"Sure, I'll show this idiot of a man what I can do," agreed Lisa._

_So she climbed up on the__ giant brown horse and trotted off! She first stood up on the seat, while riding the horse. Then she rode the horse with one hand behind her back. Then she stood up, riding with no hands on the reins at all!_

_Everyone was impressed and so was I that I stood back a Nintendo DS game box __inch away from the crowd and joined the clapping. Then trouble came! The horse was neighing and Lisa was about to fall of it, but she caught the neck. The horse tried to shake her off, but when she wouldn't let go, it trotted off to the rocks near the sea. It was so furious it didn't care where it went. It should have, because its hoof slipped on a big rock and both of them fell into the sea!_

_Everyone was panicking__ and worrying. Everyone was like "call the fire department" or "should we go in there?" and that lot. Well, someone – that would be me – took his red shirt off and quickly dived into the sea!_

_The sea was very big and full of rocks, not to mention my poor sight vision couldn't find Lisa in poor visibility. Then __something caught my foot. It wasn't as big as a shark's mouth, but smaller bites can be a little more poisonous! I looked down and touched it with my hand. It felt like a horse's mouth. I swam under and something felt like Lisa! I found them! I quickly escorted them to the surface. I put the unconscious Lisa on the horse, who was now calm, and I swam to shore, pulling them with me._

_It was annoying and embarrassing that all the kids were watching me giving Lisa the kiss of life in her mouth. GASP! I backed away and Lisa was breathing. Everyone was chattering around Lisa and checking her. I sighed and walked away, as did my hero feelings as well. Then they came back as Lisa turned me around and kissed me... on the lips!_

_"Thank you," she said happily._

* * *

_Jim's father, Jason Kelly, was the chief lifeguard on Langley Falls Beach and he was grounding his son and selling all of his horses to new owners. _

_While Jim was not happy__ as he didn't deserve it, I did and I was happy as a bumble bee passing through flower to flower. Because I was given a new job – lifeguard duty on Langley Falls Beach everyday! Well, Monday to Friday, 4:00pm after school to 8:00pm when it closes and the weekends 8:00am – 8:00pm. It was hard work, but it made me feel good and happy because I didn't go home at night to my selfish family. I went swimming every night with Lisa Sliver, the most popular girl in my school!_

"Wait a minute!" interrupted Dr. Richards. "Do you know how much Roger missed playing James Bondseries trivia?"

"Well, he should read more books than watch movies," answered a moped Steve.

"Roger says, 'That's what your sister Hayley told me'," said Dr. Richards. "Now carry on."

"Well, here comes the terrible bit of the whole story," Steve began.

* * *

_But, as the days went on,__ for about two weeks, I kept on meeting Lisa at the same place to go swimming, but when I arrive, our dates are either very short or completely off! Lisa says I'm getting later and later, but I'm always on duty so _she_ must be getter here earlier and earlier and earlier! I'm not _that_ obsessed with her, so I planned a plan._

_On one Friday__, I convinced Mr. Kelly that I couldn't make do my job that say with a doctor's appointment letter (which I created). Besides, my friend, Snot, was looking for a job so Mr. Kelly decided to give him a trial._

_About one in the afternoon, I sneaked down behind the rocks near the beach. I saw a little cave that waves came in. I saw Lisa __reaching the surface of the sea holding a cage filled with starfish. Her friends, Amy, who was wearing a pink swimsuit, and Janet, in a bright green bikini, helped her up. Lisa chucked her bag with all the other sea creatures they have stolen – seahorses, crabs, lobsters and sharks! They were alive because they were in giant sea tanks and so. But not for long!_

"_This is great!" cheered Lisa. "On my last swim, I couldn't find any other fish so I think our job is done."_

"_No one will suspect this, so let's get back in there and find whatever we can to finally make our jewels to sell to the public!" Janet shouted._

"_Yeah! We're going to be rich!" shouted Amy. _

"_All right, let's go, girls!" Lisa ordered. And all three dived back in the sea._

_Well, I crept into the cave and checked the cave didn't have any alarms or booby traps. Then I started to throw the sharks back in. It was the hardest to do, so once I knew they were safe, the seahorses, the lobsters and the crabs were a piece of cake. So my job was done, so I decided to head back out, but I was blocked off by Amy! I ran for the other side, hoping it would be my chance to escape, but Lisa blocked me off. I turned to the sea and dived in, but I was caught by the leg by Janet!_

_I was thrown to the__ back of the cave. The three girls confronted me._

"_You're very smart, Steve," said Lisa, "but if you were extra smarter, you would've let me drown in the sea!"_

"_So me rescuing you was all part of your plan to use sea life for your jewels? So you didn't fancy Jim Kelly? You had him dumped and grounded for nothing?"_

"_Believe me, Steve, this hurts me as much as you," said Lisa. "But now you know all of this, you will hurt _me_ more than you." She got out a rock and was about to hit me on the head with it, but she was thrown down with a police officer on top of her. More police officers arrived and caught Janet and Amy._

* * *

_At the beach, I showed the police the photos I had taken at the girls in the cave and I had shown them the walkie-talkie I recorded to their conversation._

_Principal Lewis was so angry with Janet that he let her go to prison with Amy and Lisa. We both exchange angry glares, probably for the last time! Then everyone was cheering me. Mr. Kelly was so impressed that he promoted me to Supervisor Trainer to the new recruits, my best friends – Snot, Toshi and Barry. I was now the most popular guy in my school. But it didn't make me feel one hundred per cent happy._

_My family was feeling very proud of me. My dad__ was drinking beer and said drunkenly, "I'm very proud of you, son. You made America feel safer, now three bitches are thrown in where they belong."_

_My sister said, "Well done. No, seriously, you stopped sea creatures from __becoming food in a sea restaurant."_

_Then Roger, dressed as a female lifeguard from _Baywatch_, arrived. "I tell you, this whore is a coward."_

"_Excuse me!" shouted a very hurt Hayley._

"_You consider yourself the best in protecting the environment, when you won't be like your brother and dive in to safe the animals! All you do is blabber and blabber and blabber!"_

"_Well, I guess you're right," said Hayley clamly. "It's time for... ACTION!"_

_And they both rolled into the sea and fought and punched, leaving me alone. _

_Then my mom said, "Sweetie, that was the bravest thing I have even seen you do! I am so proud of you!" And she hugged me __too tight, my glasses fell off!_

* * *

"Your glasses fell off?" Dr. Richards was surprised. "So did you buy new glasses?"

"No," answered Steve. "A dog found them and he gave them to me. Only they had dog drool and dog piss on them."

"Right," concluded Dr. Richards. "Popular girls will always demand too much so I would avoid them if I were you.

"But, Roger – " Steve realized his mistake, cleared his throat and began again, "My friend, Roger, said famous and sexy girls are to die for more than the unpopular and ugly ones."

Dr. Richards paused. Then – "Thank you for coming, Steven Smith. Come back again."

Steve exited. Dr. Richards took off his suit and "Roger" felt exhausted. He helped himself to wine and let out a great big BURP! "How does Steve remember so much?" he asked himself.


	2. Act Two

Dr. Richards was in his office, drinking wine and relaxing. Then Steve entered. Dr. Richards jumped and fell off his chair. He picked himself up and was rustling through a whole pile of plain white papers.

"Ah, Steve," he cried. "What can I do you for you? I'm very busy here!"

"So I see," Steve said, playing along with his "game". "Well, this story will be shorter."

"Another story?" Dr. Richards was surprised. "A whole week after Lisa Silver and you come back with another story? All right, sit down and let's hear it."

Steve sat down and began his story.

* * *

_Ever since I put Lisa Silver and her friends in prison, I've finally gotten over that and I was focusing on my work. And my friends were helping me so life was happy. Then, one Wednesday, it was chucking down and a storm was coming through. The heavy rain and the dark, spooky clouds drove our customers away from the beach. Mr. Kelly had no choice but to close the beach for the night. It wasn't too bad. My friends and I could now chill out and have fun. We earned it._

_Then, as I took one last look at the beach to check it was safely shut down, I thought I could see someone on the beach. It looked like a girl. She was wearing a purple one-piece swimsuit and she looks a little bit overweight. She turned around and it was… __Debbie Hyman, an old girlfriend of mine! She looked sad and I wondered why._

_"Hey, Steve?" I turned around to see Snot calling me. "Are you coming to the mall to play video games or not?"_

_"I'll be there!" I called to him. "I just saw something I wanted to take a good look at."_

_"Well, we'd like to see it, too," cried Barry. And then they all came rushing towards me._

_I turned around. "No!" he screamed. They stopped. "It's – uh, um – not _that_ interesting. It's really boring."_

_My friends just looked at me strangely. Toshi spoke in Japanese._

_"If we're best friends, why are you keeping secrets from us?" asked Snot walking away._

_"Maybe you need to go to the loo!" shouted Barry._

_So they all went to the mall and I went to the beach. I ran to where the waves could reach, but I could not find Debbie! I look everywhere; then I thought I could see her head in the sea, over the roaring waves!_

_There was no time to lose, so I quickly strapped on the scuba diving gear that was near Mr. Kelly's office on (no wetsuits, though). I quickly dived into the sea and swam on! The bright torch light did not help me see through the rough waves and my poor eye sight didn't help either. I was beginning to worry. This could be the first time I failed to rescue and save someone's life._

_I had been searching the sea near and far, high and low, cold and… Well, freezing. But I've been everywhere I could for about two hours, not a single body in sight and I was losing air in the tanks. I was about to give up and swim to the surface, but then – WHOOSH! A green light passed under me. I looked down. No light at all. But I thought it was one of those fish that glows for a short time. So I swam down and to the floor of the sea bed. Nothing but rocks and sand. As I was about to head back, something glowing green floated to my face. It had an eel's body and a scary human skull's head! It waggled its tongue at me and I was so scared, I didn't care where I swam. If I did, I would've avoided getting hitting the rocks in front of __me. Then I felt __unconscious__ and I was floating away._

* * *

"Wait! Wait!" shrieked Dr. Richards. "How do you know you were floating around in the sea?"

"Well, I'm skinny and humans usually float," answered Steve.

"I see," said Dr. Richards, writing it down. "Well, when did you wake up?"

"Well, here's the strange turning point…"

* * *

_The first feeling I gained was a headache and an even fuzzier eye vision. But they all passed and I got up slowly. I bumped my head on the rock and that woke me up more! I couldn't believe where I was! I was in a dark, slimy cave! It was full of mud and insects, particularly strange glowing millipedes!_

_Then a yellow light took over me and I turned around. Out of the shadow came… Debbie! _

_"Hey! What's going on, Debbie?" I screamed, running to her._

_"Your body is about to be killed," she said, making me stopped completely and letting wind (just a little)._

_"WHAT?"_

_"Your blood will help your life live on and you will live on in the body of the son of King Youit of the Pauscid Kwihts, Prince Gyutgh." And, with that, she walked away and left me._

_"DEBBIE! PLEASE! I'M YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND, STEVE! STEVEN SMITH!" But my screams were no use at all._

* * *

_Then the day arrived. Two guards, humanoid creatures with scaly skin and fin-like hands, arrived and escorted me through the slimy and gross tunnels to the ceremony room. It was a giant of a ceremony room. There were creatures of all kinds you cannot possibly image. Mankind must have secretly bred together with fish brand new species. Shark heads with crab hands, humanoids with seaweed hair on their heads or on their chests (that would be boys, obviously), creatures big as a whale but with the brains the size of a shrimp… I could go on forever, but that would be boring._

_Then I was pushed to the centre of the room where a strange stone-made water bowl on a stand was standing where Debbie was waiting. Then a gulping sound appeared. "He is here," said Debbie softly._

_Then came through the giant doors… the size of a whale, the head and arms of an octopus, the bravery and strength of a shark, the legs of a lobster… This is King Youit._

_"Being the ceremony!" he announced. Everyone cheered, except me as I was to be deep-grilled like at a fish restaurant. _

_As I was pushed to the bowl, I saw Debbie standing by. "Debbie!" Please don't do this!" I begged. "Please, I'm your old boyfriend, Steve Smith. I know you very well. You like gothic… something-like-this books and songs and everything. Even though we have broken up several times, I always loved because you are a kind-hearted and sweet woman as much as you are clever and beautiful."_

"_Are you finished?" sighed King Youit._

"_Yes, sir," I answered at last._

"_Good, then, let's get on with it."_

_Debbie didn't move; she just let me be pushed to the bowl. Then a strange bird, an angular fish with seagull wings instead of fins, grabbed my shoulders with its eagle-like feet and lifted me in the air. Then it began to lower me. I was giving up and seeing there was no point in trying to escape as I had a pretty crap life and I didn't want to go on. Then, below, something was happening. Out from the bowl, came strange light-blue tentacles that grabbed my feet and it began to pull me down into the bowl. But that didn't bother me. I just accepted my fate and began to let it happen. _

_But it didn't happen! I looked down and I saw Debbie, knocking the bowl over. The tentacles vanished and the bird was so shocked it let go of me. Guess where I landed in whose arms?_

"_Thank you, Steve," said Debbie, kissing me for the first time in a long while._

_King Youit was angry. "No!" he screamed. "I will have your blood and my son will be reborn!"_

_He was so angry that he grabbed his sword that flashed red when he whacked something. And he was whacking the whole place down._

"_We've got to get out of here!" screamed Debbie._

"_How?" I asked._

"_There's only one thing to do – we have to drown the place and swim for the surface! Come on!"_

_Debbie ran ahead, but I was distracted by King Youit, who was very quick and was not giving me a break!_

"_Say hello to the Sword of Triton!" he would keep on saying._

"_Hello," I would keep on saying back._

_Then my feet were feeling all sloppy. The floor was in water! And the water was rising! And my feet were stuck in deep angle mud. I tried waggling out, but it was no use! And the water was getting to my chin! Finally, King Youit, without wasting a single breath, caught up to me and my head was finally to be off. But it wasn't my head that came off, it was King Youit's slimy and gross head. As his disgusting body fell down, there stood the sexy Debbie!_

"_Thank you," I said, "but I can't get out!"_

"_We will, Steve," said Debbie, swimming to me. "Just wait two minutes."_

"We_?" I was puzzled, but I didn't have time to work it out because Debbie was kissing me… in water!_

* * *

_Then, for some strange reason, we were back on Langley Falls Beach. Either my head was fuzzy or I was dreaming. Then Debbie kissed me on the cheeks again. So it was real life._

_"Thank you." She never stopped staying that. "I don't know how I can thank you enough."_

_"Well, you could – "_

_Then lights shone on us. There was Mr. Kelly, my friends who were looking angry and a lot of citizens from Langley Falls Beach, including my neighbors, Terry and Greg who were broadcasting our story. Then a boy, in a Sabbath uniform, came running to us. It was Jim Kelly! And he and Debbie were holding hands!_

_"What the hell?" I demanded._

_"Well, Steve, you saved my life and you made your amends from what you did to __Etan Cohen's bar mitzvah. But that's all they are – amends!"_

_"Besides, you stole my girlfriend a week ago, so it's only fair I steal your girlfriend," chuckled Jim._

_"And don't worry, Steve, he's been taking good care of me," Debbie said and she and Jim went away, leaving me on the wet sand._

_I began to walk away, only Terry and Greg stopped me._

_"Hi, Steve. Can you tell me what it feels like to be a hero?" asked Terry._

_"Okay, I'll tell you," I began. "I've always felt like damsels in distress are to die for, but when you rescue them, they think only a "thank you" will be enough but it's not! IT'S JUST NOT! Interview over."_

* * *

"Wow!" cried Dr. Richards. "I saw you on TV. But what you didn't tell us is how you survived the crash and swam up?"

"Well, either I was vanished from the crashing of the rocks or I was asleep!"

"Okay, okay!" said Dr. Richards calmly. "Okay, I see that you're upset and angry. For future reference, talk with the girls and the baddies and your family before coming to me, because I am a little pushed for time."

"Yeah, I can see that," said Steve sarcastically and angrily storming out.

"No, you can't," chuckled Roger, taking off his Dr. Richards' uniform.


	3. Act Three

Steve burst into Dr. Richards' office and angrily sat on the sofa. He threw his life board on the floor.

"Did you tell your parents or discuss it with the villains?" asked a very scared Dr. Richards.

"I did. I BLOODY HELL FIRE DID!" yelled Steve, stealing all of Dr. Richards's drinks.

_It's true. I did. My parents were eating dinner and celebrating the end of Dad's suspended sentence. They were too busy to notice _my job_ ended, all because of that bitch Lindsey Coolidge. Now my friends are earning a fortune and I'm earning sh – _

"Whoa! Whoa!" said Dr. Richards calmly. "I think you've had enough drinks..." He successfully managed to take the drinks away. "Now, tell me, from scratch, how this episode began."

* * *

_After two weeks of saving Debbie, I couldn't get over her running off with Jim Kelly. I tried hanging out with my friends, but it didn't do much good for me. And I wasn't really focusing on my work. I was so depressed that I just let my friends point out when something went wrong and I would rush down and sort it out. And I didn't really care about my family, wherever they're doing well with _their _jobs or not._

_Then, one day, my friends and I were on the watch tower. It was Snot's turn to at the telescope to watch the far end of the sea. When it wasn't our turn, we still had to look on the beach and the near end of the sea._

_"Ship wreck, ten o'clock!" cried Snot._

_I could just see through my blurry vision. Then me and Toshi ran to the lifeguard jet-ski. Toshi drove us off to the distant sea._

_Very soon we arrived at the awful ship wreck – a wreck white speedboat. But no one was on it or in the water._

_"I'm going in to see if there are any survivors below," I told Toshi._

_Toshi spoke Japanese to me._

_"Oh, yeah," I said, grabbing my mask. "Thanks." And I quickly dived below._

_I couldn't find anyone down below, despite the fact that Mom had spent enough money for me to have some laser surgery to make my eye sight a bit better, which did help (a little). But I still needed to wear glasses or special eye lens masks and I still couldn't find anyone. Then something grabbed my leg. I looked down. It was a girl! I just decided to swim her to surface and get Toshi to do the rest. But, when we reached the surface, the girl was an unconscious Lindsey Coolidge, wearing a white tankini._

_I put her on the jet-ski and, while Toshi took over to search the sea for survivors, I was doing the kiss of life. She gasped for life!_

_"Steve Smith?" I knew that would be her first words. "What are you doing he…" Then she saw my lifeguard shorts and I was holding her on my jet-ski. And she saw her speed boat is wrecked._

_"You saved my life," Lindsey said. "That's awesome."_

_"I'm just doing my job," I said. "What were you doing to put yourself at risk?"_

_"You _are_ good at your job," she smiled, "if you're giving me lectures!"_

_"No, I'm just curious," I protested._

_"Well, I'm glad you asked, because…"_

_Then Lindsey stood behind me as I, driving the jet-ski, followed her directions to a very cool stadium filled with water. It was like a whale pool, but with stands and fire loops and sharp metal gear. _

_"What is this?" I asked Lindsey._

_"The coolest place on Earth," she answered. "This is the place where judges will take youths like you and me and try out some dangerous stunt business. They include water-skiing over fire, wakeboarding around sharks, windsurfing around spikes when you don't need them and more! Yeah!"_

_"So am I to assume that your speedboat went out of control?" asked I._

_"Yes, but, damn, do I need a new partner."_

_"Then come back to the beach with me," I suggested. "They'll be plenty of people who'll want to go with you."_

_"No need," she said, putting her arms around me. "I found my partner already."  
_

_That made me nervous. It's something I wanted to do, but I had to think of a way to help her win this completion without quitting or getting fired._

* * *

"Wait! Wait!" cried Dr. Richards. "Why were you willing to help her, if you're being put off by women?"

"Because, when I see a pretty girl, it makes me forget the past and makes me focus on the present," answered Steve.

"Right," said Dr. Richards. "But what happened to your friend, Toshi?"

"Toshi? Oh!" Steve remembered. "That's why he was angry with me for a few days."

"Carry on," ordered Dr. Richards.

* * *

_Luckily, I had an excellent idea. Every day, there would be someone in the sea drowning and I would jump on the jet-ski to rescue her and take her to where she needed to go. That someone would be Lindsey Coolidge and her "where she needs to be" would be the stadium. Now she could use me as much as she wanted or needed._

_In my past, I have been doing some water sport challenges like this and I have won nearly all, but there were two problems: I haven't done it since I was ten so I was out of practice and I never had done it _this_ dangerous. Oh, for a third problem, the completion was in three days!_

_For a sexy one, Lindsey didn't seem to have a lot of patience. Every time I slipped on the wet floor when practicing jogging, or when my boards got broken via shark chews or burnt, or every time I slipped into the pool while practicing my push-ups, her pretty face gets ugly when she's angry and she would bash her head on a seat every time I did something wrong._

_"If you want to win my heart, you'll have to get better and win this damn race!" she exploded in my face, on the second night before the completion. Then she stormed off, leaving me here. _

_That night, I decided to stay behind and train harder than I ever had before. And I did! I windsurfed with hitting a single spike! And I wakeboard around the sharks and I water-skied over the fire. Then…_

"How did you do that?" asked Dr. Richards. "For the last two, how did you do your stunts without someone driving the boat?"

"Oh, well, Klaus, my goldfish, was bored off listening to the other family matters – Dad still being suspended from work, Mom getting sacked due to a Health Inspector's failed test and my sister Hayley being in prison for five years, after going on a rampage and destroying the bee farm due to being dumped by the bee keeper, so I decided he could come with me and he did all the driving for me," answered Steve.

"Very good, carry one," commanded Dr. Richards.

_Then, that morning, when Lindsey came, I showed her what I practiced all night. She was happy, but she was more impressed with someone else – Jim Kelly!_

_"You have caught up, Steve," she said, "but, as if you haven't got enough brawn for this, you haven't got any brains for this, too. Unlike handsome and strong here," she flirted, putting her face on his right-arm muscle._

_"What happened to Debbie?" I asked._

_"Oh, don't worry about her," Jim told me. "We're married. Me and gorgeous here are just having fun."_

_I was so angry that I even forgot Klaus was still in the boat._

* * *

_Two days later, the day arrived and me and Klaus with it. I sat on the bottom of the stairs and saw that bitch Lindsey and that son of a bitch Jim having the time of their life and having fun being dangerous._

_"Whoa! Cool! Awesome!" Klaus would say and I would say, "Shut the hell up, Klaus!" and he would say, "That's all I get at home!"_

_Then I heard screaming. Not noticing Klaus's bowl was broken and he was flopping about, I saw my lab partner Katie screaming because her six-year-old sister, Lucy, was in the pool and was drowning in the pool. And the speedboat was coming in Lucy's way! I quickly dived into the pool and managed to catch Lucy. But the boat was still coming our way! Luckily, Jim managed to steer the boat away, but Lindsey, who was water-skiing behind him, crashed into the wall. But she quickly got up._

_"She took a crash, but she survived! Lindsey Coolidge, everyone!" shouted the announcer and everyone cheered._

_While everyone was cheering their heads off, I picked up Lucy out of the pool. As I got up, Katie hugged me and kissed me!_

_"Thank you, Steve," she said kindly._

_"My pleasure," I said. "Hey, maybe you know, we could go out – "_

_Then Katie was pulled by another lad – Rick Uster, the coolest boy in my school was with her._

_"Everything all right, love?" he asked._

_"Yes, lover boy," she said, kissing him and walking off with him._

_That was it! That was the last straw! Well, I thought it was. I thought I could go back to my lifeguard duty, but the jig with me and Lindsey was found out and Mr. Kelly had to give me the sack! And the position was filled by his son, Jim! He said to me, "I have to thank you for this, Steve. Without you, I would never have got my old job back!"_

_And Lindsey said to me, "And if you didn't cause Jim to steer and make me crash into the wall, I wouldn't have become more popular and gained more money."_

_And, as if that wasn't enough, when I went home jobless, my family was too busy to notice me unhappy! They were busy celebrating Dad getting his job back and my sister Hayley getting released after being in prison for after one week! What happened to the other two hundred fifty three weeks? And they were finishing off Mom's bread as it was her last day, too. They didn't leave any for me and neither did Roger or Klaus leave any drinks for me. _

* * *

"And that's the end of this whole story," Steve finished at last.

"Wow, I thought this story would never end," sighed. Dr. Richards. "Now that you've quit, I suggest you go to this bar in Langley Falls and move on."

Steve took the card Dr. Richards had been writing on. It said Langley Beer World.

"Thanks," he said and walked out.

'Dr. Richards' took his uniform off and Roger chuckled to himself. "Now, for the final phase!"

* * *

The next night, Steve burst into the attic, slamming the door so hard that it fell to the floor.

"ROGER! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?" he shouted at the top of his lungs. The bar he went to look for work had been a bar for gays! He was nearly exposed!

"I can't believe I'm here in Hollywood," the TV said. Steve turned to see Dr. Richards on the TV. "You don't know how bad I wanted to be here! And I just wanted to say I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my best friend, Steve Smith."

On the TV, everyone applauded him, including the rest of the Smith family, including their goldfish Klaus! "And now, ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoy _A Lifeguard's Girlfriend_ by Gene Richards!

Steve's face skin was peeled off his face with rage as he left the house and stormed off to Hollywood. He was so angry that he did not feel one once of tired or thirst or hunger or whatever.

* * *

After a whole week's walk, he finally arrived at Grauman's Chinese Theatre. He went inside and he saw Richards signing autographs. He joined in the queue.

"Ah, you made it," greeted Richards. "Where have you been?"

"You know," Steve answered and he jumped to Richards, punching him in the face. "I know you weren't a bloody janitor! How can you do this to me? You recorded _my_ troubles to put in your shit-ful movie? What have I done to you?"

"Steve, shh!" begged Richards.

Everyone saw what was happening _and_ hearing it the same time. As Steve got up to take a breather, everyone was booing and throwing popcorn and fizzy drinks at the bruised alien in disguise. It took five minutes for everyone to leave and the place to quiet down.

"You ruined my life!" Richards shouted. "My ambitions, my hopes, my dreams, my life ruined because of you!"

"Well, maybe we're even!" shouted Steve.

"No, because you can get out there and see the world and meet people, whereas _I _have to sit in your damn attic!"

"It's not because you're an alien, it's your horrible ways that don't fit in like humans that makes you a heartless monster!"

Richards's wig fell off and Roger began to feel horrible about what he had done. "I'm sorry, Steve," he said. "You know, how movie-obsessed I am. I couldn't resist."

"I'm sorry, too," Steve said. "I was so angry and I was under a lot of pressure – Wait a minute. When I was fighting to you, it made me think you were one of the girls I got myself fixed with and it made me feel good. So thank you."

"You're welcome," smiled Roger. "And thank you for reminding me the one thing I got even though I didn't realize it. My best friend."

And they all shook hands and the best of friends took a cab all the way back to Langley Falls, obviously with Roger putting his Dr. Richards wig on.

"How did you manage to write it in a few days?" asked Steve.

"I don't know," answered Roger modestly. "My species don't know our own strength or our own knowledge."

What they didn't realize when they left, the news bulletin announced that Roger or Gene Richards was nominated for an Oscar for Best Writing, but why tell them as when the Oscars arrived he didn't win anyway.

* * *

The End of _Steve the Lifeguard_


End file.
